When choosing to become a different version of yourself you experience highs and lows. There are moments of unwavering confidence that this was the right decision. Moments you feel free. Moments you can’t imagine any other way to be.

There are also moments where all you feel is doubt. You question everything. Fear ruin. Failure. The things people will say.

I experienced a moment of doubt a few days ago. I started looking for work again. In the midst of my job search, I find myself questioning what roles I should pursue.

Should I go down the familiar path and look for roles in education? Should I take the unfamiliar path and look for roles in industries I’ve dreamed of? Is taking the familiar path a mistake? Will it really be temporary? Does choosing the familiar make me a fraud? Will I be right back where I started two years from now?

If I choose the unfamiliar path how long will it take to secure a role? How long will it take to convince someone to take a chance on me?

I happened to be experiencing these thoughts while scrolling on social media and saw the post below.

The middle season is messy. I don’t know about you but for me it gets messier when I’m on social media seeing everyone’s highlight reel. The post above made me realize I’m not alone. There’s actually a lot of people out there figuring it out, but not posting about it because we don’t want to be seen not having all the answers. There’s this unspoken rule to draw attention to yourself at the end of the process, not during it. It’s unfortunate. I believe more can be learned from seeing how you find the resolve to keep going through the mess, than to see the final outcome.

In my season of transformation I’ve been learning about manifesting. I read an article about it called “How to Manifest: The Do’s and Don’ts of Manifesting.” In the article the writer defines it as:

She goes onto talk about how important it is to recognize that we are all beings of energy. When our energy is low, we attract low-level circumstances. But when our energy is in a high vibration, we attract positive outcomes. She says our energy is always sending a message to the universe. The universe delivers us people, experiences, and outcomes that match our energy.

So, how does manifesting relate to the messy middle and the moment of doubt I experienced earlier this week? It helped me recognize that if I wallowed in it I would attract the experiences and outcomes I fear. It helped me see my thoughts have power in creating either the life I fear, or the life I dream of.

To help myself renew positive energy I decided to reread a book I read a month ago called, The Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson. It’s a book about a character named Ordinary who receives a dream from the Dream Giver (God), tries to suppress it, and then eventually decides to leave the land of Familiar to go to the land of Promise to get his dream.

I was specifically interested in chapter 4 because it’s the chapter where the character endures the messy middle. He’s already left the land of familiar behind and has experienced highs from doing so. Chapter 4 is when seeds of doubt that maybe he’s made the wrong choice start to seep in.

As I look back on my own journey leaving the familiar behind, making the initial choice to leave what I knew was the easy part. Making the choice to continue to leave it behind even when things are not working out as quickly as I would like has been difficult. I wanted to reread Ordinary’s journey to recall what he did to resist temptation to go back to what he knew and keep going. A summary of his experience would not do it justice so I’ve included an excerpt from the text below.

And then one day he got hungry and opened his case and didn’t find anything to eat. That was the day Ordinary began to worry. He called out to the Dream Giver for food but he got no answer. Two days later he ran out of water. He called out to the Dream Giver and again and again he heard nothing. Fortunately that was also the day Ordinary found a trickle of water coming from a rock. At least now he was only starving. But if he was smart enough to find water maybe he could find food, too.

Sure enough it wasn’t long before he spotted a strange bush with some strange desert fruit hanging from its branches. Ordinary tried one. It didn’t taste sweet but it didn’t taste sour either…Still the Dream Giver was no where in sight.

More time passed. The longest hours and days ordinary could remember. Desperately he began to look for a way out. One day he followed what looked like a shortcut over a ridge. It led to a canyon that ended in quicksand…Every delay made him more determined to find a quicker route. But every attempt only led to another dead end.

Again and again Ordinary lost his way. Again and again he cried out to the Dream Giver to show him the way but no answer came.

Why had he ever trusted the Dream Giver to guide him in the first place?

The day came when Ordinary finally gave up. He sat on his suitcase and refused to move until the Dream Giver showed up with a plan. But the Dream Giver didn’t show up that day or the next. Ordinary had never felt so lost or alone.

He became angry. He got angrier and angrier and then a hard hot wind began to blow…When the wind finally stopped…the path to his dream had disappeared completely. Obviously his entire trip through the wasteland had been a waste.

Hot tears coursed down his dirty cheeks.

“You’re not a dream giver! You’re a dream taker! I trusted you! You promised to be with me and help me! You didn’t!”

Then ordinary stumbled across the sand in despair, dragging his empty suitcase behind him. His dream was dead. He wanted to die, too.

The next morning he saw a sheering somebody sitting in the branches of a tree.

“Who are you?” he asked as she climbed to the ground.

“My name is Faith,” she said. “The Dream Giver sent me to help you.”

“It’s too late,” cried Ordinary. “My dream is dead. When I needed the Dream Giver most he was no where in sight.”

“What do you need that you haven’t received?” asked Faith.

If it weren’t for the few springs of water I found, I’d be dead of thirst by now,” answered Ordinary.

“Yes. And?”

“If it weren’t for the fruit I’d found I’d be a walking skeleton,” Ordinary replied. “Wait, I am a walking skeleton. I could die of starvation any minute.”

“Oh my,” Faith murmured. “And?”

“Well,” huffed Ordinary, “A little guidance would have been nice. Ever since I came here it’s been one delay after another. I’ve been wandering in circles since I don’t know when. What a waste.”

“I see,” said Faith nodding. “So what will you do now?”

“Just tell me how to get back to Familiar.”

“I’m sorry,” she said. “But I can’t help you with that.”

“That figures,” said Ordinary. “The Dream Giver sends a helper who can’t even help.”

“You may be right,” said Faith… then faith walked in a direction Ordinary was sure was wrong.

It wasn’t long before Ordinary began to have second thoughts. He was wrong. He wished he hadn’t been so rude to the Somebody named Faith and he began to miss her. He realized that while they were talking he had felt hope for the first time in a very long time.

Ordinary jumped to his feet and scanned the horizon.

“Faith!” he cried. But she was no where to be found.

“Faith!” He cried again but there was no reply.

…As quickly as he could he set off in the same direction (as Faith).

Chapter 4, The Dream Giver by Bruce Wilkinson

Like Ordinary I find myself doubting the Dream Giver (God) when I realize I’m not clear on how and when things will work out for me when it comes to my career shift. However, I know that they will work out. I have absolute confidence in this.

When Faith asked Ordinary, “What do you need that you haven’t received?” I felt like she was talking to me. I actually talked back to her, lol. I said I need assurance, clarity, and I need to know where I’m going. When I looked at my answer I had to chuckle because I know deep down that wanting to know where I’m going is my own feeble attempt at trying to control this transformation of mine and that’s not how faith or God work.

My second read of chapter 4 made me notice something I missed the first time. Ordinary kept complaining that the Dream Giver was no where in his line of sight when he needed him. As a result he felt lost and alone because he couldn’t see him.

I noticed this because it reminded me of myself and it reminded me of the definition of faith. Hebrews 11:1 says:

Now faith is confidence in what is hoped for, and assurance about what we do not see.

Hebrews 11:1

Hope is believing that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best. Assurance is full confidence free from doubt. It is certainty. Remembering what faith is, and seeing that Ordinary had to fully embrace faith to find the energy to keep moving through obstacles, makes me realize that I have to let go of knowing how my journey ends if I want to reach the destination.

Something else I’m realizing? The more I embrace the unfamiliar the more God sends me opportunities that align with the desires of my heart. The opportunities don’t always look the way I envision, nor do they come in packaging I expect, but they are there and give me hope that what I want can be attained.

Conclusion

The middle season is not always fun. There are moments of enlightenment and moments where you question if all of this was a mistake and you need to run back to the starting line. It’s further uncomfortable when you realize you’ve never been this uncertain in your life and you can’t name for people what you’ll be doing, when you’ll be doing it, and for how long.

But that’s the beauty of it. There’s beauty in the struggle. Beauty in the growth. Beauty in realizing you’re not who you were and excitement in seeing the person you’re becoming.

Regardless of what season you’re in, the scary first leap or the messy middle, know you’re not alone and the life you dream of is waiting on the other side. You just have to have the courage to keep moving towards it.

Are you in the messy middle season? If so, what strategies are you using to find the resolve to keep going? I’d love to hear some! Please share them with me in the comments!