At the end of June, I panicked. The trigger? Checking my bank account balance. My final direct deposit hit.

Half a month’s pay for half a month’s work.

Seeing that number made everything real.

I remember thinking, “Girl, you really quit your job without another one lined up. Where they do that at?!”

I went to my husband and told him, “I gotta find another job.”

He looked at me and said, “What are you talking about? We discussed this. That’s not the plan. Pull your retirement.”

My heart thumped. Pull my retirement? I know we talked about it but that’s not the wisest thing to do.

I didn’t say that aloud. Instead I said, “Baby, I can’t do that. I did my research on it. There are so many tax penalties. The government is going to take 20% of it away up front and when we file our taxes next year they’re going to charge another 10%.”

“And?” he said like he didn’t see what the problem was. I figured I should make it plain so he could see why I shouldn’t do it.

“Baby that makes me sick to my stomach. This could either be the best decision I’ve ever made or the biggest mistake of my life.”

“You did not just make the biggest mistake of your life. This is your opportunity to invest in yourself. Take a chance on you. I believe in you. We’ll be fine. Pull the money.”

He said it with certainty. He said it like there was no other path forward.

I just stared at him in deep thought. In my mind I was trying to conceive of other ways to solve this grandiose problem. He knows my thinking face. He kissed me on my forehead and left the room to give me time to process.

When the door closed, I ran to my nightstand to grab my laptop. I started looking for jobs. That man lost his mind if he thought I was about to put our money in jeopardy and pull my retirement. After about 10 minutes I slammed the laptop shut because I realized I didn’t even know what I was looking for. I didn’t want to teach again. I didn’t want to lead a school again. I just wanted money and I wanted it fast. Right when I felt a waterfall of tears coming my phone started ringing. It was a friend I hadn’t spoken to in a long time. I decided to answer.

“Hello?”

“Hey stranger. You were on my mind so I called you. How are you doing?” she asked.

How am I doing? I think, I’m freaking out. Instead of saying that I just start crying. I couldn’t even pretend I was good and say the standard, “Aw girl, I’m fine, I’m fine.”

After she consoled me I launched into telling her about resigning and the plan to pull my retirement early. She responded by saying, “Nah, don’t do that. I do people’s taxes during tax season. There are soooo many penalties. Whatever you do, do not pull your retirement early. Maybe you could go back to teaching again for a little while and save up while you figure out your plan? Or maybe you could get something part time. Tutor. Yeah tutoring could bring in income.”

I told her I was aware of all the penalties, but my husband and I agreed that I was going to pull it anyways. “At the end of the day, I know I’m going to do it because we agreed on it. I’m just scared.”

“Well if that’s what y’all discussed you gotta do it, sis. But I’d encourage you to talk to him about it again. Make sure he’s aware of all the penalties. I don’t know about you but I’ll endure a job I don’t necessarily enjoy because I like knowing where and when my money is coming. I like stability. Just think about it some more before you do that.”

I thanked her for calling me and for her advice then got off the phone. I remember just sitting on my bed in silence and replaying what she said.

“Think about the penalties.”

“I like knowing where and when my money is coming.”

“I like stability.”

I like those things, too, I thought. I started to cry again. I cried because it was one of the first times in my adult life where I was uncertain I made the right choice. I did not like the feeling. It was also one of the first times I didn’t know what was going to happen next. This too, did not feel good. Finally, it was the first time since 16 that I was unemployed. I didn’t know what to do with that. So I cried.

My husband returned to our bedroom to check on me. He hugged me. He then lifted my chin and asked me, “Why are you crying?”

“I’m scared.”

“What are you afraid of?”

“I told you, baby. What if this is a big mistake?”

“And what if it is the greatest choice you ever made?”

“Listen I just talked to my friend. She does taxes. She told me it’s not smart to pull the retirement money.”

He sighed and said, “Baby she gave you that advice because she’s scared, too. She likes to play it safe. Most people like to play it safe, and they never reach their dreams. Thomases don’t play it safe. Thomases take risks. You a Thomas. I need you to poke your chest out and stop being a scaredy cat. You’re gonna be fine. You act like you doing this by yourself. You got me. I got you. Pull the money.”

I inhaled. I exhaled. I hugged him. I gave him a half smile. “Okay, I’m going to do it.”

I don’t remember all the prompts that come up when you pull your retirement early, but there’s one I hope I never forget because it made me chuckle.

Are you sure you want to do this?

If you leave this here, in 2044 you’ll have $897.00 a month for your monthly allowance.

$897 a month?! Who can live off of that? Man, give me my money.

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If I had known then what I know now I would have pulled the money sooner. I’ll delve more into why in future posts. For now I’ll say, God knows what you need and he gives it to you right on time. You just have to be focused on him and TRUST to get the message. I’ve learned to trust.

Right after I pulled the money I saw all the posts below on different social media platforms. I wasn’t looking for these messages but the Lord provided what I needed to confirm I’d made the right decision and push me forward. I thank him for that.

You were made for more. If you feel a nudge in your heart I encourage you to stop ignoring it. It’s the Lord and he’s calling you for more. Trust him. Take the leap. You’ll be surprised to see where you land.

Until next time,

Jeanine