It is undeniable that self-transformation can be difficult, painful, and challenging. When one considers what transformation is at it’s core – complete change – it is no wonder making a true shift in your life takes time and effort; which is why most often give up on the brink of breakthrough.

I write this acknowledging that I am experiencing a difficult, painful, and challenging moment in my own journey to evolve to a higher self. I am finding it difficult to embrace uncertainty. For so long I’ve lived my life following rules, and sticking to a plan. When I was younger I believed if I went to school, obeyed my teachers, and was a high achiever, I would do well in life. Because I held this belief I worked hard to achieve good grades, get approval, go to college, and pursue a “stable” career.

My younger self didn’t anticipate feeling bored in her stable career. She didn’t predict feeling deep in her soul something was missing in her life. She didn’t foresee tossing and turning in bed at night trying to ignore that feeling. She didn’t predict one day getting fed up, and submitting a resignation letter without an idea of what she’d pursue next for income.

When I released my old job I felt liberated. The relief I felt when I knew I was going to take a chance brought excitement back into my life. It was as if a heavy boulder I’d been carrying on my back had been lifted; I could walk upright again. It was as if chains I’d been voluntarily allowing my wrists to be restrained in had been loosed. I could let my arms move freely again.

That was a year ago.

A year later I am feeling a mix of emotions: frustration, sadness, excitement, doubt, faith. My self-transformation journey has been taking longer than expected. I thought by now I would have figured out what I want to do next to make a difference. In reality I am still figuring it out. I thought by now I’d have a way to bring in income. In reality the job market looks a lot different than it did the last time I looked for work. Rejections are far more common than call backs.

Practicing Gratitude Helps You Overcome Uncertainty

A few days ago a friend asked me, “What are you grateful for, and what are you working on?”

I liked her questions because I’ve learned practicing gratitude when transforming your life helps you see all the good things that are happening even when progress feels slow.

I came up with a laundry list of things I am grateful for.

• My husband: his support, encouragement, and patience while I explore what brings me joy in my work.
• My parents: how they’ve helped me with household chores like laundry and the dishes so I can focus on figuring out my personal brand moving forward.
• My health: having the opportunity to move by body through strength training, walking, and running to get physically stronger & get in a good space emotionally.
• My friendships: having quality friends who pour into me and support my creative endeavors.
• My house: having a home we enjoy and not worrying about how to pay the mortgage.
• My faith: knowing the Lord is near at all times, and will show up for me just as he has in the past
• My brother: knowing he’s just a phone call away and always has spiritual encouragement to help me keep going.
• Opportunities: getting the chance to broaden my skillset in different industries through others letting me write for them and through others teaching me how to do aspects of their jobs
• Courage: thankful the Lord put the seed to explore inside of me and kept on nudging until I decided to trust him enough to try.

After I shared my list I realized I have so much to be grateful for and that I could have kept going. Even though I don’t have a clear answer to, “What are you doing next?” I see that the Lord has sustained me during this transition period. He has given me the tools to successfully change.

Uncertainty Can Reveal Areas for Improvement

As for her second question, “What are you working on?”

The first response that came to mind was: “I am working on relinquishing the need to know how or when it works out, and embracing knowing that it will. I don’t need to know the details. I am learning to trust the process. Embrace all of the struggles. Know that what I am enduring now is preparing me for something so much greater than I can imagine. I am embracing truly believing this too shall pass, because it will.”

I said that a few days ago, and I meant it. This has been the most difficult part of my journey. Embracing uncertainty has been a struggle. I googled embracing uncertainty to see if there’s research on why it can be so challenging. The thing that resonated most was an interview I found from a journalist named Maggie Jackson who wrote a book called Uncertain: The Wisdom and Wonder of Being Unsure. I’ve included an excerpt of the parts of the interview I’ll be pondering over as I continue to transform into the person I am becoming.

Jill Suttie: Most of us think of being uncertain as a weakness or even a flaw—for example, when it comes to leadership. But your book argues it’s a strength. How so?

Maggie Jackson: We have a very negative view of uncertainty. We largely see it as paralyzing. But actually uncertainty is, first of all, a kind of “good stress.” When we meet something new, ambiguous, or unexpected, we have a stress response, both physiological and neural, that allows the brain to be more receptive to new data. Our attention broadens and our working memory improves. It’s a kind of wakefulness that’s really important, giving us the opportunity to learn. 

Secondly, uncertainty is not just a spur to better thinking, it’s also an opportunity to investigate, to open up the space between question and answer. Studies find that uncertainty is really important or helpful for negotiation or for arguing. For example, you can make better arguments when you are not completely closed-minded and certain. Being unsure is also related to deeper deliberation. The adaptive expert is someone who is able to recognize and utilize their uncertainty to investigate a crisis or a problem or a new situation.

Uncertainty does slow us down. But that slowing allows us to uncover mistakes…

How Embracing Uncertainty Can Improve Your Life – Greater Good Magazine

There’s so much to unpack from the excerpt above that reveals the root of my challenge.

First I want to unpack this part: “Most of us think of being uncertain as a weakness or even a flaw—for example, when it comes to leadership.”

When I’m asked what I want to do next (which is frequent) and I don’t give a certain answer I feel the person on the receiving end is thinking I am insecure or failing. This feeling is not grounded in fact. It’s grounded in their body language or the change in their tone when I say I’m still figuring it out. They’ll say things like, “Oh you’re brave!” with an undertone of “Girl, you’re crazy.” Or I’ll get responses like I got yesterday at my son’s checkup like, “You know, I can understand why people stay in jobs that make them miserable. They’d rather have a paycheck and be miserable than not have a paycheck and not know what’s coming next.”

In these conversations I’m made more aware that I made a decision that goes against the norm. On my good days I’m proud of this. On my sad days I second guess my choice.

Second I’d like to unpack this part: “It’s a kind of wakefulness that’s really important, giving us the opportunity to learn.”

I never considered that being certain could be attributed to walking around asleep. It makes me think of a zombie, who I’m told is the walking dead. When we’re certain of things we can be closed minded and rigid in our thinking and actions. We convince ourselves that the thing we’re certain of is the way it should be. We’ve closed ourselves off to possibilities that go against our belief. When we’re uncertain it’s as if we woke up. We’re alive again. We recognize there are things we don’t know. We recognize there are paths we haven’t walked that we ought to try.

Finally I’d like to unpack this part: “Uncertainty does slow us down. But that slowing allows us to uncover mistakes…”

This is the hardest part of uncertainty for me. I’m learning when things are difficult and you feel like you’ve reached a wall, that’s probably the part you really need to grow in. I need to grow in moving at a slow pace. I need to be okay with not figuring things out quickly. I need to stop apologizing for moving slowly. I need to stop feeling the need to explain why I am still figuring out what’s next in my career.

I don’t know about you but I know how I got here. There’s so much pressure to do things quickly. I come from a background in education where it was ingrained in us to have a sense of urgency in our classrooms. Time everything. There should never be a moment of down time in your room. Outside of the classroom in meetings there’s pressure to be the person to speak up first. When stating that I needed time to process something I got feedback from a higher up that sometimes it’s best to say the first thing on your mind so you look confident. She advised me to stop taking so much think time.

I’d like to find her again. I’d like to tell her that the more I live life the more I see a lot of mistakes are made because it’s the norm to not take our time. It’s the norm to quickly make a decision. However, there’s value in slowing down. There’s value in taking time to process. In the slow period we think deeply. We figure out the root cause of the problem instead of putting a band aid on it.

Conclusion

The journey to self-transformation can be frustrating, challenging, and difficult. There are times you doubt you can have this new life you say you want. Times you wonder if you’ll succeed or fail out loud. Times all you want to do is cry. Times you want to feel normal again, retreat back to what feels safe knowing you’ve outgrown who you used to be.

The journey can also be liberating, exhilarating, and rewarding. You feel you woke up from a deep slumber. You feel more connected to your Creator than ever before. You know this too shall pass and that the Lord is preparing you for something far greater than you could have conceived for yourself. On these days you embrace uncertainty. On these days you’re okay relinquishing the need for control; the need for all the details. You trust the process and see the beauty in where you are now.

If you are deep in your journey of self-transformation I encourage you to:

• Practice gratitude by keeping a journal or taking 60 seconds out of your day to ask: What am I grateful for? Celebrate big or small things that have improved in your life.
• Change your perspective on uncertainty. View uncertainty as a strength. Ask yourself: “What am I uncertain about? What is this giving me an opportunity to learn? How can I approach this challenge differently?”

Thank you for taking this journey with me.

Until next time,

Jeanine